Seventeen Squandy-Squindy Snaps
by Purplela Vanilla
Summary: Canonly, there's only incy-wincy trices betwixt a cranky cephalopod and spunky squirrel, n'est-ce pas? They barely friends - acquaintances at best. So try and imagine how'd they interact with eachother? It'd probably be fluffy, amorous or downright naughty. Surely they'd rile up another a real bad way? Oh no. Not that kind of bad. The other one. Y'know...
1. kissing you

**Title****:** Kissing you

_After a hedonistic misadventure in Bass Vegas, it's turns out that our well-loved Bikini Bottom gang went a little overboard (it's all Mr. Krab's fault!). Sadly, they've cut the cards way too much at the honky-tonk. So in a nutshell: the 'underworld' is after them. Five encrypted letters have been sent. Sandy's the first to receive the threat. After encountering Patrick, she discovered that he's in the same boat as her. Strangely, SpongeBob wasn't home, but Squidward seemed to be. Before the star and squirrel knock on Squiddy's door, shockingly, it's smashed open..._

The sorry state Squidward was in stilled her to her spot, Sandy declared without a doubt, "Holy Guacamole! Patrick, he's havin' a panic attack!"

"Panic attack?" questioned Patrick, confusedly, "All because of a stupid clarinet?" not yet realising his words caused the cephalopod to breathe even harder.

"Don't say that!" she scolded, "Come over here and help me calm him down." returning her focus to the panic-attack-victim, her voice turned silky, soft. "Squidward, this is me and Patrick here, okay. You're worrying us right now. We need y'all to breathe slowly."

"Listen to him, Squidward. Breathe slowly and calm the heck down. We're all in this together."

"Yeah, she's right. You're not alone in this, Squiddy." supplied the star, firmly grasping the cashier's shoulder.

"Listen to him, Squidward. Breathe slowly and calm the heck down. We're all in this together."

Patrick expanded on that, "Look, just be like me and forget the fact that: one of the most dangerous people in the entire ocean are hot on their heels for us." the cashier's eye's widened to the size of a SeaBear. "Forget the fact that we're all done for. Forget the fact that they're holding for ransom your clarinet, pure-bred snail, life insurance and your art work that hasn't sold in-"

"-**Patrick**." the squirrel interjected, her tone rendering the star petrified from his soul to his spirit. Trembling, Patrick shut up. Especially when he saw Sandy's two eyes transform into trumpets. He knew then he'd pushed too far. "Don'tcha have to be pessimistic somewhere else?"

"N-n-not u-until 18:00 but," he interjected himself, drawing new batteries on his poorly drawn watch. "I'm flexible, you see. I can re-schedule if you want, Sandy."

Sandy huffed, "No need, Patrick. Instead can y'all go through some of Squidward's stuff and find happy stuff—things that'll raise his spirits."

"Can do, Sandy!" declared the pink star, rushing out out the room, only to return to offer a salute.

'_Golly, sometimes I wonder'_, she thought to herself, _'whether the batteries were ever included in that st-' _

Distracted from her thoughts, raspy breaths fill all the space in her mind. Instantly, the squirrel felt the overwhelmed cephalopod tightly clutch her shoulder, his strength so visibly seen for once, and also his red pupils unfairly fearful.

What exactly did the underworld write in his letter?

"Help me," was his plea, "I can't...Barnacles! Sandy, I can't...every time I think of-" halted, in a matter of seconds, Squidward began hyperventilating.

Sandra seized in utter panic. She opened her mouth; her mouth clamped shut. She could say no more now since encouraging somebody to calm down had the chance to escalate the situation. They were passed that now.

_'He's __getting' worse and worse. I am a scientist but, even I see the symptoms. Too boot, he looks as bad as Aunt Betties' rainbow-coloured bridesmaids dresses__.__' _Sandy held onto Squidward's shoulder's too. _'__Think! Think, Sandy! What was it you saw on Teen SeaWolf once...what did the red-head do when...I can't do that! We're not even...'_ bearing witness to the tears which cascaded down the cashier's face, Sandy knew she was up the creek.

She had no choice.

With both her paws on either side of her head, the squirrel took a large gulp of air, recklessly and bravely removing her air helmet, encasing herself temporarily in water. Afterwards, Sandy held the cephalopod's face in her hands, quickly lifting his head at an angle approachable – appropriate.

She reminded herself again that – there was no other way.

**. . . .**

"Hiya, SpongeBob!" greeted the unemployed star, meanwhile rummaging and ransacking items from Squidward's fridge. "What brings you round my beautiful kitchen?"

"Oh, Patrick." said SpongeBob, exasperated. Still, he did grin. "We've been through this seven time now. This. Isn't. Your. Home. Anyway, sorry Pat but, I've got no times for pleasantries."

"Well, that's just rude."

"I know, forgive me. But seriously, I'm worried about, Squidward. I need to see if he's all right. Methinks he received one of those scary letters like we all did."

"Oh he did." says Patrick nonchalantly, leaning against the wall with an apple in his hand.

"Really? Boy, he must be scared to death. How's he taking it?"

"Quite badly. He's having some panic attack."

Presently, SpongeBob's fear-stricken face looked as deep as the trenches and abyss' of the unspeakable district near Shell city.

"You're kiddin', right?"

"Nope..." Patrick's eye's widened comically. Isn't he supposed to be doing something? "Holy seacow, SpongeBob! While you've been distracting me, I done a thing on my part to save Squidward's life!"

"OH MY GOSH! Then, what are we waiting for?!"

"I dunno! Follow me!"

**. . . .**

If only the two Goofy Goober's had better timing.

In a furious panic, the two burst into the room with the same shock as Jacks-in-a-Box, inadvertently having broken a door. Frozen in their spot (especially one of them), the two bear to witness a light, lingering embrace – a kiss to be exact, exchanged between two opposite barely even friends.

Patrick murmured, "Didn't see that coming," as the two adults, (reluctantly perhaps), pulled away from another; yet, their eyes couldn't follow the order to do so too.

"What's going on here, Sandy?" the sponge's voice was surprisingly quiet, whereas his pounding heart was not – it was reverberated with a roar and beat erratically yet, no one else but him could hear it. "Am we i-i-interrupting?"

A few seconds later (when the prolonged staring became tense), Sandy cast her eyes elsewhere, only to discover SpongeBob had arrived. "SpongeBob? Boy howdy! Am I glad to see you! Why, me and Patrick went to your house but, y'all weren't there."

"I see. Well, I'll have you know that I was occupied." Like you were yourself, SpongeBob did not let escape out hastily. "Um, since you two are...I-I'll take Pat and leave now." the sponge grips tightly on his Best friend's arm (earning a yelp from him). "Please meet us at Mr. Krabs house."

"Sure, we'll be there!"

**. . . . **

Sooner than later, the atmosphere became tense – stifling – and painfully awkward. Once could easily grab particles of the absolute quietness around. Moving on, as it was in her nature, being one to dive into danger first, Sandy broke the silence.

"H-how're are ya feelin' now, Squidward?"

Squidward answered, "Better. Much better." while avoiding eye contact with the squirrel. "Thank you, Sandy. That was...clever of you."

Flattered, Sandy (fruitlessly) fought a blush, "Don't mention it. So...uhm...Squidward, I-" grounding herself to a stop, the squirrel attempted coherent speech again. "I didn't do it just to-"

"I know."

"Oh," her facial features relaxed immediately. "that's good—darn tootin' fine even. It's just that y'all did have me worried sick for a moment there."

"Sorry, I guess was really out of my mind there."

"No problems." there was one problem though. "So, um, Squidward...we're both adults here, so I'm hoping this won't change-?"

"Don't be silly! I mean, of course not! I mean, NO. This won't change anything."

_'Why is she fooling herself? We're not close – nothing would change! We aren't even friends; nevertheless, the number of times she's saved me is higher than the calories in a heart-stopping Krabby Patty'_ he pondered, inwardly.

"Phew, that's darn tootin' fine."

When his mouth opened, she halted hers.

"Hey, um, Sandy," he said, hesitatingly, placing a tentacle on her shoulder. "O-out of those two barnacle-heads...you've got no idea how glad I am that you kissed me instead." Squidward may have shuddered at his upcoming morbid thoughts.

Humbled, she slowly smiled, "Golly, Squidward," silently agreeing with his little jab made at the two. "seein' that's coming from you, I'll take it as a compliment. Now, come on! We've gotta head down to your boss' home and get ourselves out this sticky situation."

"That he caused." quipped Squidward, immediately grabbing his bearings.

"I can't argue with that."

* * *

**A/N****: **Squidward and Sandy. Sandy and Squidward. Squandy OR Squindy is apparently the term. Their portmanteau. PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong. Moving on, their ship is not one which I'm not sailing on but, I am inspecting it from far, far away on my telescope. Bottom line: I'm curious. Curious as to how they'd function as friends or more since there isn't enough Squandy/Squindy fic around (but enough for me to have read some and become curious) Thanks for reading! Please REFLECT on what you've read then, REVIEW by typing your thoughts or/and criticisms.


	2. challenging you

**Disclaimer:** Sometimes I wonder if I'm slightly insane to be writing drabbles between a squid and a squirrel created by Stephen Hilenburg...

* * *

**Title:** challenging you

_Although he knew she could've crushed his skull with the use of three fingers __at any given second__ – she didn't. Interesting. Yet, what was more interesting was that __undeniable __spark in those brown eyes __that shined __when he challenged her. __After all__, __apart from Squilliam, she's the only one in a city of b__ottom feeders__ who can __keep a riveting __verbal r__ound. _

For Squidward Tentacles—the cashier—the hard-working cashier, to not be doing anything during his work hours (despite the Alaskan Bull Worm length line of customers) meant that things were running as smoothly as always. The customers complaining and groaning too was the norm.

Squidward spoke like a corpse, "Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?" while a lively tentacle flipped to the next page of 'Dance NOW!'. His red iris' focused on exclusive legs warmer worn by so-and-so in lieu of bothered brown iris' which could zap a heat ray through his magazine.

"Every time. Every single time." grit out Sandy, slowly but severely. "Every single darn time I come here, YOU act up faster than a four-year-old prima-donna at a kid's beauty pageant." her eyes gave him a once-over. "What kind of employee are you?"

_Well, this day was a total waste of __that morning massage I paid for__._

"Employees come in all different sizes." he dead-panned, "Didn't you know?" a brow from him arched high and proud, whereas his voice was low and not bothered. "My size happens to be realistic."

"Realistically enough to get fired, I'll say."

"You think?"

"I know."

"So do we!" chorused the whole line of customers behind Sandy Cheeks.

Squidward snorted, derisively.

"Well then, if you have a complaint to make then don't hesitate to speak to the manager."

"For y'all to be saying that, Mr. Krabs obviously ain't here at the moment." she simply stated as a fact, not a question.

He managed to spare a glance at her. "What a shame. Only you out of all the uncivilised fools could figure that out."

"Then help me figure out where SpongeBob is. I'd never believe or bet for second for YOU to be in charge by yourself." a sharp laugh left her mouth. "Ain't doing a pretty good job, are you?"

"Is that so?" he refrained from sighing but he did not refrain his thoughts.

_Hmm, she is a smart one. __She__ could kill time and be fun too. _He actually considered it._Then again, too much hassle for nothing. __Barnacles, __w__hy'd I get out of bed today?_

"As you all can visibly see here, I'm a little busy with this magazine." Unsubtly so, the magazine was caressed violently against Sandy's helmet. "So do me all a favour and some decent taste buds so that you can all get-"

Before the insult could be delivered, Squidward gasped and nearly cried as he watched his magazine, his lovely magazine, his lovely $18.99 bimonthly magazine: snatched from his tentacles, ripped in half, ripped to shreds, then to tinier shreds which floated all over the cash machine.

"Busy now?"

_I was. _

Nearly left his mouth at the same speed SpongeBob SquarePants drove at; yet, his eye brows rose in sync, intrigued—interested not in the squirrel's own furrowed brows but, what lay beneath them. Eyes. Two dark brown eyes shining a spark barely noticeable. It was something to be known. Something to play with. Something to challenge.

_Been a long time since I've indulged in some...fun. I'll me take her down a notch. Just to get her off my back until that yellow barnacle-head returns._

"You've gone quiet." Sandy said, cocking her head to the side. "Mind tellin' me where SpongeBob is, or wanna tell me how your sarcasm tank is runnin' empty?"

_This is gonna be fun. _

Squidward quipped snappily and sharply."Oh puh-leez, I've had it since birth. It's practically innate. Ask my mother, my first word were after all: will I ever end up working in run-down restaurant, arguing with an irrational squirrel?"

"Irrational?"

"You'd have to be to be dating that naïve sponge who's Neptune knows where in this building."

Those word delivered caused an unintended, uncontrolled warmth upon Sandy's cheeks. Why did folks always assume that?

"W-We're not—he's not my boyfriend."

The right corner of the cephalopod's mouth angled upwards. "Could've fooled me."

"He. Is. Not. My. Boyfriend." she said, emphasising each word specially.

"If I had a dollar for every time you denied that oh so obvious truth, I'd be a millionaire by the end of this month."

"Squidward..."

"It's okay, Sandy, really I get it." his mock-concern rubbed her all the wrong ways. "We can't help those we are illogically attracted to, can we?"

"Three words, Squidward. Three words: unfriendly, unapproachable, unpopular."

Squidward slapped on a fake smile, mock clapping also. "Wow, what a clever use alliteration. I'm impressed."

"You should be Mr. inattentive, inconstruable, inconsiderable too."

_Inconsiderable?_

His eyes narrowed the slightest. The last word delivered was one he wouldn't mind sending back.

"Never heard that before."

"Well, I don't blame ya." her voice almost sounded conversational. "How can y'all ever hear a dang thing with your country-mile ego blocking truth from your ears?"

"Huh? Did you say something, Sandy? My ego's in the way or so I've been told. Recently."

Sandy shook her head, pondering why she had been wasting her breath and time with such a sea critter (but not wondering 'why' she didn't mind wasting her breath on him). This had gone for far too long. "I rest my case."

Particles of panic flooded through his system at those words. He hadn't expected that.

_No, no, no! She's giving up. C'mon, Squidward you're losing her. Get her back in the game!_

Determined, two tentacles from the cephalopod settled on either sides of the cash register while the body of the said squid leaned closer. Squidward still ignored the line of customer, focusing his sole attention on the squirrel ignoring him instead.

"Giving up so soon? I'd never thought you'd be the type, Sandy."

Averting her eyes elsewhere, the squirrel paid the cashier no dime of attention.

"Where's SpongeBob?"

Her question lead Squidward to sigh disapprovingly, as though she was his best friend who failed a stupid simple pop quiz at school.

"Don't know, don't care."

"Then start caring." walking pass by the cashier's station, Sandy's right palm pressed against the kitchen door, ready to discover where the heck SpongeBob was hiding. Nevertheless, a bark of laughter had her tail twitch up in annoyance.

"My, oh, my, never thought you'd be one to give up so soon...guess that's what I deserve for having such high expectations."

Once creative, condescending crimson iris' locked on with brawling, blustery brown ones, those with a sixth sense in the line stiffened at what was to come. Quicker than lighting could struck or thunder could roar, the world around Squidward and Sandy faded away. Unimportant. It only left their previous, unknown before, now known playing field.

_Winner takes all. No prisoners. _

"Lazy, pessimistic."

"Overambitious, naive."

"Snarker!"

"Vociferous!"

"Big nose!"

"Buck teeth!"

"Says the caustic cashier who ain't ever gonna be the employee of the month."

"To the painfully visible squirrel who'll never fit in this side of town."

"Only cause he succeeds purty well in screwin' up life, other than work."

"Since no one's ever liked change. Too bad ignorance is bliss, if it wasn't you'd have gone home back where you came from."

The three seconds which passed were enough to allow bitter remains of the truth sink into the centre of their minds. Needless to say, the two adults loaded and checked their ammo.

"Change isn't easy, but unlike you I'm on it's good side since I'm a renowned, successful scientist than a needs-to-be-fired-cashier working in a run-down restaurant."

Squidward exhaled calmly through his big nose. "Said run-down restaurant where everyone found out more about you than they should, wouldn't you agree?"

"What's that s'pose to mean?"

"Boy, all I'm saying is that even Neptune knows Spongebob spoke truth when he told us those squirrel jokes."

Her head drew back due to those words, and then the spark was almost gone. Squidward noticed. In that instant where it nearly disappeared, something painful held her brown eyes hostage. Squidward is a witness to that—Squidward almost felt bad. He'd nearly pulled and prod a badly-burried nerve.

"Go ahead, Squiddy. Try not to be the a chicken I don't doubt you are. It's not like y'all trying to insult me, right?"

Then again, how could he feel bad for a spitfire that kept and would keeping burning no matter what stormy weather tried to snuff her flame?

"No, no, no. Whatever gave you that idea? I'm not insulting you." Sandy refrained from snorting. "I'm just subtly highlighting certain aspects of your true nature. Squirrely nature."

Sandy absolutely loathed where this was heading yet, if she said something, it'd be like she was throwing in the towel.

"Well, you know, those giant front teeth which have the ability to land planes, that gorgeous fur which welcomes all and every lonely flea in the world, that cheery accent which makes even Patrick sound smart, and lets not forget your know-how with light bulbs."

(The mentioned, offended pink star left the restaurant in a fury, however his bellied rumbles so naturally he joined the end of the insane line again)

She laughed, bitterly. "Nature? Oh I'm glad I get to see yours, reminds every time why we ain't and ain't ever gonna be anything more than strangers. Shame SpongeBob can't see it. Such a shame he has to find the good in those who were innately born without it." the squirrel's heated words cooled down several degrees, so that the fire could recede to allow ice to enter in its place. She'd frost him over sooner than later.

"But what's more of a shame is that he can't see what I, and everyone else sees when we look at you."

"Which is, pray tell?" outwardly asked Squidward but inwardly cursed for the question.

"Nothing but pure failure. Gosh, you'd think a clarinet player like you would understand that when your music sounds like a snail and worm being chocked to death – every time you play – you'd quit and spare us the horror. Also, just out of curiosity, are you tone deaf or just more untalented than a cardboard box?" Sandy's paw slapped itself across the cashier's mouth, shutting off whatever insult that would fly out and dent one of her defences.

"Hold that thought, Squidwankle and don't get me started on that narcissism of yours. You and I both know what that really is?" against all her morals, Sandy hit where she knew it would most definitely hurt. The heart. "By the way, how's Squilvia?"

From the moment the squirrel's voice had wielded the element of ice, it did it's job efficiently of icing and immobilizing the cephalopold with cruel, cold and calculated sentences. Since Squidward's entire being actually froze over. Heart, body, soul and mind. Surprised he seemed. No wonder his next retort was lacking in flare.

"Ouch. That actually hurt."

Then again, he had frozen so chilly and so fast that any other fiery retorts at the tip of his tongue snuffed out quicker than Patrick and SpongeBob's camp fire on National Free Ballon day.

An interruption occurred, "GOOD AFTERNOON WORLD AND ALL WHO INHABIT IT! I APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY AND NOW ANNOUNCE THAT THE KRUSTY KRAB IS BACK IN BUSINESS!" a bit too loud.

The kitchen door busted open with the sight of the bright yellow fry cook who had been missing for a large amount of serious time. Smiling bright and positively as always, he stopped once his sixth sense activated. The sponge, now a sea worm, raised his long nose, spinning it in a circle all in order to smell the dangerous aura in the atmosphere – immediately he turned to Sandy. Then Squidward.

SpongeBob hoped to Neptune he wasn't the only who could witness the reversed glacial and flaming moods broadcasting around his two friends' bodies before him. Their tense and menacing postures screamed an emotion betwixt intense dislike and pure hatred. Fearful and anxious, the sponge didn't dare call their attention yet in fear that their Death Glare's would bounce of each other and strike him at point-blank range. He wondered what had occurred during his absence.

"G-guys? Is everything alright...between the two of you?" in the end, his fear was pushed down in order to intervene and try to sort out the mess. "Look, I don't know if it's just me or not but I get the strange feeling a battle went down here...Squidward? Sandy?"

A battle was without a doubt the metaphor and not the simile of the hour.

"Okay, can someone please tell me what happened while I was-"

"This isn't over, Squidward." the squirrel declared, setting her sight on 'him' and no one else in her immediate vicinity.

"Is that a promise?"

"Might could be." gradually so, a smirk became present to the East of Sandy's face. She turned her back to him, only to look once more over her shoulder. "Y'all may have tied with me this round but don't y'all dare think you'll win the next one."

_We'll see about that._

Apparently, Squidward couldn't bother to focus on anyone else but her in his own immediate vicinity. Across his face slyly sneaked a reluctant half smile. "Next time round...Buck Teeth."

"Bet on it, Big Nose."

* * *

**A/N****: **And that was that. The Squid vs Squirrel showdown was a tie, HOWEVER in real life it'd be a whole lot different, wouldn't it? Thanks for reading! BTW, thanks **Lady Turmoil** for your review – I think so too that they're an interesting pairing here and YES they could "possibly" work they knew each other a little better. I agree with you again that their intelligence made me like 'em.

To all: Please REFLECT on what you've read then, REVIEW by typing your thoughts or/and criticisms.


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